What choosing yourself actually looks like in business

Here's a question I want you to sit with for a second.

When did you last make a business decision based entirely on what YOU needed?

Not what your clients want. Not what your competitors are doing. Not what you think you should want. What you actually need, in this season of your life and business.

Because that's what choosing yourself really looks like. And it's a lot more practical than it sounds.

In this week's episode of Chill & Prosper I'm talking about what choosing yourself actually looks like day to day in your business, because the version that gets talked about online often looks like a dramatic pivot or a big bold announcement.

But in reality, it's much quieter. And it happens in the small decisions.

Inside the episode I cover:

• Why the restaurant test is such a good indicator of how you run your business
• What it actually means to honor your energy, your needs and your desires
• How to know when your business has stopped fitting your life
• The difference between building a business around your clients and building one around yourself
• Why what worked last year might not be right for where you are now

You don't need permission to update things. You just need to ask the question.

xx Denise

P.S. This month I'm going deep on worthiness, receiving, and choosing yourself across all my content. I have a new audio collection called Choose Yourself: 14 meditations and affirmations to help you do the inner work. Grab it free at denisedt.com/worthy

Prefer to read?

Here is the transcript for this episode:

Hey there friend, it's Denise DT here and welcome to this week's episode of Chill and Prosper, where we talk about losing yourself in business and what that really, really looks like.

And you know what? This might be one of those episodes where you go, no, I'm not gonna choose myself. I'm just gonna keep doing what I keep doing and just doing whatever my clients tell me to do and ask of me. And I just want to see there's always nuances with this, right?

So there's always little places where you can just choose yourself a little bit more for the longevity of the business, for the longevity of you as a person, as a creative, as a business person. Um, there's always something that you can improve And it doesn't matter when you're listening to this.

It doesn't have to be the start of the month, the start of the quarter, the start of the year to make these changes. You can really do it, um, in a really practical way.

But also it's actually about asking yourself, what do I need in this season of my life and business? Because what worked for you five years ago, last year, even last quarter, it might be different now.

And usually the pain and friction comes from when we don't update those things. We don't allow our business to grow and to change and to support us.

We feel like we have to constantly just put up with things. Okay, so even if you've been running your business for a long time, um, the same way, it's always good just to stop and ask yourself some of these questions. Okay. Um, also, we do have a really cool freebie this month about worthiness.

It is meditations and affirmations that you can listen to and you can get that at denisedt.com/worthy. Worthy. Cause we're all worthy. I love meditations and affirmations.

I think it's a really great way to learn without having to do anything, which is my favorite way because I'm pretty, pretty lazy. Okay, so, um, we want to honor, honor your energy, your boundaries, your needs, your desires, um, everything because you are one person, okay? Even if you've got a team, so many of our businesses still rely on our life force energy. Even if you had, you know, kids at boarding school, you still have that energetic attachment to them.

And that's definitely what being in business is like. Um, you are responsible for that energy and it can take a bit of a toll sometimes if things are out of alignment. So this is a good chance to ask yourself some of these things because business it, it does have to suit your personality, even if you're someone who's really good at flexing and molding yourself to please other people. Or you've got endless capacity for giving and you don't really feel burnt out, or you're used to just putting up with things.

There will be little, little bits. Okay. And then, um, some people try and base their business based on like, what are my clients want? Or what are the haters or complainers want?

And that's not a good way to do it either. I want you to feel empowered to ask yourself the question, and you might not have ever asked that before. So a little question for you. It's got nothing to do with business.

When you go to a restaurant, do you think about what you really want to eat or do you just kind of think, what am I allowed to have? Or what's the cheapest? Because this is a really good test to see if you feel like your needs are met and you're allowed to have needs and desires. Maybe you're someone who would never adjust the thermostat to please you, or you'd be in an Uber and you wouldn't ask for things to be accommodated for you.

If that's a real struggle for you, I totally get it. I'm definitely a people pleaser myself, but I've really pushed myself recently to ask for things like that. Dietary requirements. So for example, I can't eat raw onion as well as some of the other raw things like, um, even, you know, like chives and truffles as well.

Garlic, like raw garlic, things like that. I just cannot do it. It makes me feel really sick. And also cashews.

And so I can pick out a whole cashew because it's not anaphylactic, but if it's creamed in something or chopped, like it makes me feel really sick to the point of vomiting sometimes. And for a long time, I didn't even realize because I think when you grow up like, um, kind of poor, you're not allowed to have dietary requirements, right? It's just like you get what you, you get what you get. Um, and so even just being able to say, hey, look, I've got this allergy and, you know, I've said to people, it's not anaphylactic, so don't worry if it's in the kitchen, but it will make me feel really sick.

That in itself, those little things that are pretty low stakes actually then have a flow on effect to your business. It could be that you have a milk preference. It could be that you. I don't know.
You just have some sort of preference. That's very, very low stakes. Try this in the taxi or Uber next time where you can say, hey, do you mind turning up the AC or do you mind, you know, can I open the window or something like that? It's little these little things that say my comfort matters, my preferences matter.

And then you can get better and better at them. And then hopefully you can, you can do it in business as well. So sometimes some of us have very flexible personalities, but there will be some things in your business. It's okay for it to be my way or the highway, because if you want sustainability, it does have to work for you first.

Okay? Because sometimes it will be this or nothing. And an example of that is in my money boot camp, we do two calls at the end of the month because we have a global audience, and we want to make sure that as many people as possible can come to a call. And so we do one that's like night for me, and then one that's morning for me.

And I remember when I did a course one time that was like a six week course. We did a call every week and people were like, you have to do two calls a week. And I was like, I just, I always ended up doing like eighteen million calls for, for this course. And I just went, I can't do it.

So we've always done those two calls, but I'm someone at night, if I get really activated, I cannot sleep. And so the calls were at like eight to nine. And then they were going like nine thirty. They were going over a bit.

And so I remember thinking, I don't want to do that night call anymore. I want to get rid of it. And I just kept on thinking, but people are gonna be so mad at me. They're not going to like it.
They're going to complain about it. They're going to they're going to feel really bad. You know, some people have to stay up for it. Some people have to get up early.

And I didn't want to inconvenience anyone. And I remember this thinking, what if I did it at like seven o'clock, seven to eight o'clock. And there was a part of me that was like, am I allowed to do this? Am I allowed to do this?

And I really like was struggling with it. And then I'm like, okay, so it's people have to come an hour earlier or I don't do the call. And it got to that point for me where I was like, I don't want to do it. And I know it's such a silly, small thing, but there will be so many little things like that in your business that you're ready to let go of, that you would just let go because it's too painful.

Or do you go, hang on, how can I make this a little bit easier for me? And when I first started my coaching business, back when I did one to one coaching, um, my first coaching call on my calendar was four thirty a m because I didn't want to inconvenience anyone on the other side of the world that they would have to like stay up a little bit later. And I'm like, that was unsustainable for me. It worked for a small time before I had kids and like, I was just like, whatever.

And I would do that seven days a week, right? And so I had to start really small. I had to then be like, okay, I'm gonna do six a m as my first call. And then I was like, you know, I'll push it a little bit more.

And then I was like, okay, I'm only gonna do it like for three days a week. And then all my coaching calls are going to be this time. And so don't feel like this is an all or nothing thing where I'm going to make you do all these really scary boundaries. You can do this incrementally, and I want you to make those little decisions based on what do I want instead?

And you can practice that at the restaurant to sit down before you look at the menu and say, what do I feel like? What do I really want? What's my preference here? And if you know, again, push yourself to say, hey, do you mind if I can get the thing on the side?

Or can I have a little bit less of this or a little bit more than that? And some places are accommodating, but I think the lesson is asking, I'm allowed to have what I want. Um, like with, you know, staff and things like that. You're allowed to do that, but you might have to practice this in a small way.

Okay, so I've got a couple of questions to ask around this too. Is that like the first one I'm going to start with is time, time and delivery. Because sometimes it's not the business that's not working. It's the delivery doesn't work for you.

Some people love things to be fast, quick. We're going to do this in a weekend. Like we're going to create your website in three days. Some people like to take their time.

And the problem is, if you've got a mismatch with client expectations and what what your natural working style is. So for me, I do like things quick. I do not like dragging things out. So like often if

I've got, um, that I'm a client for someone who does a done for you, I'm just like, what's the quickest way we can do this?

How can we do this really quick? Like when I, um, like batch my social media content and I do my video stuff like I, I'll say to my videographer, I'm like, we're going to spend four days together and we're going to do like one hundred videos and like that wouldn't work for some people. They would be overwhelmed by that. It wouldn't work for their energy levels or their time away from their family or whatever.

And now he's got smaller kids and I've got kids. We probably do three days, but we used to do five together. Um, you might not like that. And so sometimes we're pushed into a delivery method that goes against our grain, goes against our natural strengths.

And it's okay for you to go. Actually, this is how I work. And there's, I think the power in the clarity of that rather than the mismatch expectations later on, just to be like, I work best with people who want things done really fast, or I work best with people who take their time. And we're really thoughtful about things.

I work best with people who do three sessions, not just one, because I know that gets us the best results. And if you know that that that's how you're going to give the best results, be really clear about that because it will be eventually this or nothing. And unfortunately, some people burn themselves out and then that's it because they've never like asked themselves what would make me thrive? Okay, so think about it in big and small ways around time.

So maybe an hour and a half is if you do one off sessions, it has to be an hour and a half. So don't even offer the short ones. Maybe you're someone it's like thirty minutes. We're in and out.
Done, done, done off of that. Okay. It could be, um, duration in terms of do you do one offs with people or you actually need three sessions to get the results. And like, I've worked with body practitioners before and she says, I do not do one off sessions.

We have to do three sessions. That's it. There's no other options. So of course I'm like booking in for three sessions, right?

Because otherwise she knows that if I have one, I'm not going to get the results. And then I'm going to be like, well, that didn't freaking work, you know? And so being realistic about what your client needs, plus what you can deliver the time as well, might be around literally time of day. So for you, you might go, um, I work best in the morning.

So this is when I'm available and eighty, ninety percent of people will never question it. They'll just go, that's when she's available. You don't need to make a big song and dance out of it. And some people then will go, oh, can we do this?

And you can choose to flex if you want to, or you can just say, that's just when I'm available. You know, you have to find someone else. So think about that. And you might not have ever thought about that before.

What works for you? I don't like I don't like working at night. My brain doesn't work as well. Right.And so for me, morning works works fine. And then I like to have a hard deadline where I can like go to the movies. I can't do five days a week. So maybe for you, you go Mondays.

I need the day to recover from the weekend. Fridays I'm going to do blah blah, blah. So I'm only going to be available this time between these hours. Again, most people will just go, okay, but you've got to give yourself permission that it does work for you.

Okay. And around that time as well, it's like, um, do you like to have spaciousness between clients? So maybe you only take on a certain amount of clients at a time. You only work on a certain amount of projects at a time, um, or that you need, um, a lead time.

So this is particularly if you make things, and I've noticed this now that I'm doing more dancing with my adult dance group, there'll be some costume makers and they say we need a ten to twelve week lead time, and we'll need to have your measurements by this date if you want to deliver it by here. Um, I even saw this actually for a cake maker. They make, um, fairy floss cakes and they're like, um, you have to give us the date by when you need it, like the day before you need it. So we can tell you if it's going to arrive in time, but also because of the nature of our product, it doesn't last for a long, long time either.

So we've got to find that sweet spot. And I really appreciated their form where it just said, this is like, this is what you need. And there was even a thing that ticked. Have you read about our cakes?
And I was like, yes, because otherwise they'd get people who go, well, it's tomorrow. And it's like, it's not, it's not going to make it. Or it's like, oh, it's in six weeks and they think it's going to last that long. So I think there's just anything around this.

It's like communication, but also your systems and your availability is sometimes the bad cop for you because most people just go, oh, that's when they're available. I'll book that in. Um, so what works for you in terms of time, duration, time of day? Maybe there are certain seasons that work better for you than others.

So we used to hire a lady who did, um, private swimming lessons and, um, like we wanted it all year round and she's just like, I can't do it in winter. It's too cold in the pool. It's like, that's totally fair. That's a fair boundary.

But she kept on booking and we're like, well, we'll keep on booking it while you offer it. And she'd just be like, it's so cold. And I'm like, yeah, cool. Like, what's your solution?

Um, so it could be that you go, I only work seasonality. I only work certain days. I don't work in school holidays or I don't work, um, on public holidays or I don't work at Christmas or whatever it is. And I think for a long time I didn't do this and I would then get resentful that people would message me or tag me in my group on Christmas Day and be like, hey, Denise, you know, can you answer this question?

And I'm like, It's Christmas Day, but it's not for everybody, right? And so I had to then go, all right, we closed down our money, um, boot camp group for two weeks over Christmas so everyone gets a break, including my team. Everyone gets a mental break because my family celebrates Christmas even if yours doesn't. And that was really life changing for me.

But also then taking weekends off and going, I don't do that on the weekends. I don't go in my group on the weekends. And I had to then like give give myself the discipline of that. Right?
So it meant that in my Money Boot Camp Facebook group, I used my business account, not my personal account. So it's not just in my feed all the time. I had to do that as a boundary because otherwise I felt like I was always on. Okay, so think about like duration, think about delivery time.

Do you want to do things quick, slow? Do you want to be under pressure? Do you want to work with someone over a long period of time? Or do you want it done very, very quickly?

All of these things have practical considerations in how you set up your business, but most of them it's tricky for a lot of women to even think about what their preferences are, because you might not have ever thought about that before. You might not have ever thought about it until something else happens. Um, like you have kids or you have caring responsibilities or you've got an illness. And I'm telling you now, even if none of those things are true for you, you're still allowed to choose based on your personal preferences.

And then you, you thrive in that. And then you naturally find more people who will, who that works for. Okay. But it's not going to work for everyone.

And that's okay. All right. Let's talk about some of the other considerations too, that I want you to think about. And as you're, um, as we're going through them, it's just sometimes tiny little tweaks.
And I'll tell you right at the end about how we can like enforce this and put it into place, but just start thinking, wouldn't it be nice? Oh my God, I wish I could do that. Like, I wish my coaching calls could be forty five minutes instead of blah blah blah. Am I allowed to do it?

Start to just let that germinate a little bit of what you would like. All right. I'll see you after the break.

Okay, so on this thing about availability and just time. So, um, I don't run in person stuff very often, but when I do, I really think about what would work for me because again, I just, I wouldn't do it otherwise. I'm an introvert. I don't get extra stuff out of just being around people.

So I have to really think about it. So when I did my, um, USA book tour in twenty seventeen, oh my God, some of you were there. Um, it was a lot of energy and work for me. I traveled with my family.
Um, I was unknowingly pregnant with my baby number three, because I found out on that trip I had like a two year old and a four year old and all the family came because I felt really guilty about traveling without them. And, um, it just wasn't set up in a way that really suited my personality. I was really, really tired and just it, it was really lovely meeting everybody, but it just didn't just the way I set it up didn't work for my personality. So when I did my Australian book tour, um, I did it in cinemas.

So it was really simple event setup because that costs so much money doing it in big venues. Um, I didn't want to have a big team around me. I didn't want to, you know, travel with a lot of people. I didn't want it to be super expensive to run.

But also, you know, for tickets, I just wanted to be really, really simple. So I did it in cinemas and I did two cities a week and then went home. So I would like travel to a city, do one the next day, say overnight travel like so I was only away for like three days at a time. And, um, and it was really good.

And I did it in a way that suited me and my personality. So I think I did them quite either during the afternoon or I think I did them early because I didn't want to stay out too late. And, um, it just really worked. But during that trip, it was really fascinating from like a team perspective, because that's when Mark was starting to work in the company a bit more and I'd be like, get on the plane and I'd go, why am I in a middle seat?

And so I really realized how important it is for artists to have riders. And a rider is just a list of, here are all the things I need. I need this in my dressing room. I need this, I need this, I need this.
And so it was real trial and error. But I'd be like, okay, I'm working with a new makeup artist. I don't want to explain again and again and again what kind of makeup I need. We need to put this in a document that's like, here are the colors that suit my face.

Here is the here are the kind of eyelashes that suit my eyes. Here is, you know, like the brands that I use here is a picture of me without makeup and with makeup. Um, you know, and to get all that information, what do I need? Like I'm going to wash my hair the day before, like all these things because I was having to have the same conversation over and over and over and over and over again.

And so a lot of these preferences that you have, people are not going to read your mind with it. You need to be able to be very, very clear. And it might be in like the booking document in your terms and conditions in, um, I don't know, just in all the info that you give to clients is like, this is the way we work together. This is the way we communicate between sessions or this is how we communicate in delivery.

This is what you can expect around time frames or whatever it is, because some people will unknowingly overstep your boundaries. And I've been on the other side of it where I've done that to people that I was a client of, and they didn't say anything. And I just was like, I know they're mad at me, but I don't know why. Um, and it was because there was just unmet like, um, expectations, right?

So in that, it's just the clarity of saying, this is how it works, this is how it works. So on that around boundaries, what availability do you want for your clients? Oh, sorry, I was going to say more on events. Um, what works for me for events is short.

So after I did my book tour and I was like, this is perfect. It's like a two hour thing done. Um, I ran a couple of retreats and I would do that at my Rose farm. And it was like two and a half days because I can't do a five day event.

It just does not work for me. And I don't do like, oh, cool, we're going to be in a mastermind for three months afterwards. It's literally, we're here together in this moment, and then we go away and being able to communicate that really clearly meant that the people who need that, that's, that's a good match for them. It's not a good match for someone who's like, but I want us to, you know, I want your support for the next six months after the event to process the event.

I cannot offer that. I do not offer that right. And so it's the being clear about what that is. But also, I know that if I had to run a five day, I would be comatose by the end of it.

And it would, it would I would need five days just to recover from it because I just introvert. Right. So it's okay for you to go, huh? This is how I work best with people.

Um, I am also not someone who in two and a half days, I'm not going to like, push you out of your comfort zone, solve all your problems, take you on a journey, right? It's going to be clean, clear, not shallow, but just like a sprinkle. So some people need that sprinkle. Some people need deep, deep and dirty.

I can't offer it. Okay. So it's okay for you just to be honest about that. Um, around timing as well, again, around breaks.

I realized recently I'm like, I can't do too many podcast interviews in a row before I start losing my mind. And so I have to build that in. Um, if you use something like Calendly, uh, you can put in like a buffer time between clients or you can put in only book me this amount per day. Um, and that's okay for that to shift and change.

So I was talking to my friend about this today and she said, um, you know, pre-kids or when my kids like now I can sit and batch all of my episodes. But when they were little, I didn't want to be more than like ninety minutes away from them because I was breastfeeding. And so she would say to her team, I'm happy to have two calls a day, as long as there's gaps in between. Whereas when, you know, she doesn't have didn't have kids or when they're a bit older, then it's like, cool, I'll do two days and I'll do five a day.

It's okay for you to your needs to shift and change with your energy, with your lifestyle, with your family situation. That's that's okay. Again, don't expect other people to accommodate that for you if you haven't communicated it right. Um, similarly, if you do things like if you're a speaker, like, what do you need?

Um, and I realized this recently, I don't love doing keynotes with PowerPoints and like lots of prep. I love Q&A, I love panels, um, I love a bit more off the cuff kind of thing. And so I'm just like, that's what I'll do on that actually. On speaking.

One of the boundaries I have around that too, is that I don't do speaking gigs in my town. And I just like my town being just like, this is where I live. This is not where I work. And because my work is online, I do have that luxury.

Whereas if you've got, you know, a physical based business, you see your clients down at the shops, you see them when you're yelling at your kids at the hardware store. And I'm like, I don't want that. So that was a really easy decision for me of like, this is what I do and this is what I know I don't do. I don't have to evaluate if something comes in and goes, will you speak in Newcastle?
I just go, I just don't do it. And same with like, um, like if an interview request comes in, I'm like, it has to be like free to play. Um, anyone can listen to because if it's like a summit or a paid thing or whatever, I don't do it. I don't do it unless I know you.

And we've worked together and it's a full JV. I don't do it. And so that has really like those little distinctions have helped my team as well. So they don't have to come to me every time I go, what about this?

What about this? It's like already a top line. Don't do it. Um, same with things like travel. Most of the time travel is a no for me. Um, because of just the age of my kids. And it's like, will you come and speak at our conference in England? And it's like, not really unless it's like really, really worth it.
Um, like I'm not just there and probably only like once, you know, once a year or something. I would do that. So all of those things are allowed to be part of your personal rider. Okay.

Think and think about yourself as an artist of that of going, what do I need? What do I need to thrive? Um, and it could be even like your preference of microphone. I like to have a lapel mic versus a handheld mic.

And, you know, it's not having those things doesn't make you a diva. Having preferences. It's just like, maybe that's most of the time. That's just what you need.

And that goes into every part of your business. Um, as I said about the intensity, right? It's like, do you like to go really deep and intense with your clients? Or do you like solving a little problem and moving on, you know?

Do you like to do it with them or for them or give them the information and you can do it yourself. And I remember when I kind of made this little shift in my mind, it was only an energetic shift, but it really shifted things where I was like, I can't work with people who are like super, super in financial crisis because I'm not qualified for it. It doesn't work for my energy. I would never want someone to go into debt to work with me, because they think that I am their last resort or they're desperate.
Or are they, you know, I'm their savior. No. Um, and I think once I made that little energetic shift that permeates into every part of our business. We're not hard sell.

Um, I don't use guilt trip sales techniques. I'm just like, if, if you want it, you join and you're responsible for your feelings around that kind of thing. I attracted much more, um, self-reliant people. And they'd be like, oh, I did the course and I just did what you told me to do and here are the results.

And I was like, great job done. Right. And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that because there are people who love working with people in crisis. They and they're qualified and they're equipped to do it and to help people get out of really messy yuck situations.

Um, and that's their strength. Me, it absolutely stresses me out. Neither is right or wrong. It's just a preference.

And I think sometimes we try and be all the things to all the people and we get stretched, we get wishy washy, or we confuse our audience and it's okay just to be like, no, um, maybe you like working with people who are at the start of their journey. Maybe you like people who are established and you're helping them to expand beyond. You don't have to work with the same life cycle all the time or the full life cycle. You can work with just that bit.

You think of like, if you're a real estate agent, you might specialize in first home buyers. You might specialize in empty nesters, downsizing. It's really great. Or you might be someone who does anything.

But like there's power sometimes in just knowing what your strengths are, knowing what you like, knowing, um, where your expertise really lies. Because then you can just zero in on that and it can be really, really powerful. Um, yeah. Do you like helping people overcome problems or do you like people enhancing their strengths?

Both are valid, right? But you might not have ever thought about it. Each one of these questions just makes it just easier and more powerful and like more specific and you can be more specific in your marketing. I think that's really cool too.

Okay. Sorry. I'm just like, oh, okay. I've got one final thought for you.

If this has really stirred up some stuff. I'm I'm glad. Right. Um, but I've got one final thought for you after this last break, so don't go away.

So just this concept of I'm allowed to choose. I'm allowed to have preferences. I'm allowed to have desires. I'm allowed to say yes or no to how I work with clients, how I make myself available, how I use my life force energy to help other people. Um, it's really powerful because then you can really focus that energy on how can I help the most amount of people that I am here to serve?

And for some people, that's a lot of people. Some people that's a small amount of people. Some people you're meant to work with, like one on one intensely. Some of us are meant to do, um, like books or things that go out to the masses, but without our personal interaction.

And I think we have to take the judgment out of that because, you know, there is a lid for every pot. There is a style for every person and you are allowed to have preferences in, in how, um, how you work. Okay. And just be honest about it, put it in your terms and conditions, put it on your website, put it in, um, your marketing materials, put it on your in your newsletter, put it on your sales page, be honest about it and you will attract the people who are a better energetic match for you.

But really the lesson is I serve, I deserve, I serve, I deserve, I'm allowed to have preferences. I'm allowed to thrive in my work. I don't have to suffer for it. I don't have to be at a deficit energetically.
This is a win win relationship and I deserve to have preference in that. Okay, if you struggle with it, I totally get it. Don't forget, we've got a bunch of meditations this month that we're giving away for free. It is called Choose Yourself Meditations and Affirmations for Worthiness and Wealth.
You can download it for free at denisedt.com/worthy because you are worth having. Um, a business that really helps you thrive so you can help more people and make more money. That's a good thing. All right.

I'll see you next week on another episode of Chill and Prosper. Take care. Bye. Thanks for listening to Chill and Prosper.