EPISODE 256

How to feel safer and more relaxed around money

Today’s episode might feel a little different - but in a really good way.

I’m talking about becoming more magnetic to money… and yes, I know that phrase can sound a bit wanky. Stay with me.

This isn’t about pretending money doesn’t matter, manifesting from the couch, or forcing yourself to “love” money.

It’s about something much more practical:
👉 your relationship with money.

In this week’s Chill & Prosper, I share:
✨how talking badly about money quietly pushes it away
✨ simple ways to start healing your relationship with money
✨ why neutrality with money is often the most powerful goal
✨ how your upbringing shapes what you think you’re “allowed” to have
✨ and why money doesn’t need to be feared, worshipped, or earned through suffering

If money feels stressful, emotional, confusing, or loaded - this episode will help you soften that dynamic.

You don’t have to be perfect with money.
You just need a healthier relationship with it.

 xx Denise

P.S. This month we’re exploring Love + Money and how to feel safer, calmer, and more supported in your relationship with money. If you want a gentle place to start, I’ve created a free Love + Money Meditation Pack with guided meditations, affirmations, and a simple reflection journal.

Download it free at denisedt.com/feb.

Transcript

Prefer to read?  Here is the transcript for this episode:

 Hey, hey, it's Denise Thomas here. And, big shout out to everyone listening in their cars, because that's how I listen to podcasts.

And I know it can be really tricky sometimes when you just want to, like, pull over and be like, oh my God, okay, I need to write that down, or I've just triggered an idea. Also, I really try not to swear too much, but I'm really sorry. If you've got kids in the car and occasionally a little F-bomb creep.

So I've really been trying hard these last year to not swear too much. So big shout out to all the kitty winks in the car as well. Auntie Denise says hi. Hello, hello. Today we are talking about becoming more magnetic to money, and I always felt like it was a little bit of a wanky kind of thing to talk about because there are some money mindset people who I don't know, it's just can be a little bit two way, way for me.

And it's slow becoming, you know, sexy and magnetic with money. And it's it's not my style to do. I'm not saying that this is bad, but, you know, I'm a very practical Virgo kind of person. And sometimes I just think, oh, no, I'm not going to overpromise anything. But I do want to talk about this idea of like being lucky, being attractive to opportunities.

Right? And I love those affirmations sometimes of like, I am a money magnet. I am a money magnet. I am really lucky. And I know that when I get into that energy, some things do happen like that. You know, I'm like, oh, I found money in the street or I don't know, I just feel lucky. And it's a very attractive energy, I think.

And it's almost that thing of like, you know, the, the best time to get a job is when you already have a job or you've got job opportunities. And ditto when it comes to relationships are something sexy about, I don't know, just feeling confident and feeling yourself. And, On his podcast Smart List, Jason Bateman calls it sexy indifference.

I love that sexy indifference. And it's just when you like, I like myself. It's totally fine. And you know, if you want to come and hang out with this energy, you can no big deal. And that can tip into like, not so nice energy, or it can just be incredibly attractive. And I'm sure we all know what this feels like when we're around someone who's magnetic, who who's energy we like to be around.

And let's talk about how we can do that more with money, okay? And to increase our magnetism to money. Oh so sexy. So of course, if you were to think about money as an actual person and think about what your relationship is like with that person, right? And so how how, how would I want to use the word sexy too much in this world?

Because again, if get to listening, but it's like, you know, if you're trading your money with disdain, with disgust, with just like, oh, put up with you, but I hate you. I don't want, you know, I don't want to be around you, but I have to feel like this kind of underlying feeling of shame and disgust and yucky ness.

Of course, it's not going to be very attractive to money. Right? And I'm not going to say go to the extreme and just be like, oh my God, I love money so much because we we don't want to like worship money as a concept either. So then what do we do about this? What do we do about this and what I've been trying to aim for is neutrality with money, right?

Money is just a tool. It's a thing. It doesn't make me good or bad. It doesn't make me greedy or, selfless. It money is just money. And the way that I talk about money, with my kids, I really strive for that neutrality with that as well, because I think we can very easily, go to extremes.

You know, a lot of us grew up hearing things like, you know, money is dirty, money is the root of all evil. But also, I don't want to then go the other way of just going, you know, I love money too much, right? It's like money is a tool. I don't have to be deserving of money. I don't have to try really hard.

Money just is. And I've definitely tried this with my kids too, because once they started to be old enough to be aware of money and almost aware of contrast between, you know, themselves and their friends, and they start noticing things like people's houses and stuff and also with the internet. So I can't remember when it was maybe while I was in like grade three or something like that, where they had computer class and they were taught, you know, this is how Google works and you can search for things and so Willow searched for my name, and it was just like, oh, you're, you know, you're this person that I didn't know you were a kind of thing because I don't really talk too much about my business. She never really saw me in a business context so much. And, like, it's not like I shared all my nice branding photos with her. Like she just saw a mum, her mom. Right? And so suddenly she saw all these pictures of me and videos of me where I'm looking, like, really super glamorous and I'm, you know, like that money mindset mentor and talking about, you know, my wealth and stuff like that. 

And it was quite confronting honestly, for her just to be like, so are you rich? How much money do you have? How much money do you have in your bank account right now? And I was just like, Jesus, you know? And then they know start talking about things with their friends. So, my youngest came home, I think, last year or so, and she was like, you know, I told my friends that you're a millionaire.

And they didn't believe me. And I'm like, because they probably see me rock up to school in, like, yoga pants and pajamas and stuff like that, too. And it's challenging their perception about what a wealthy person is. So I was like, oh man, we have to really have these conversations, right? And so I did start this kind of concept of neutrality, of going, you know, yeah, we do have a lot of money, but, you know, that doesn't make us better than anyone else.

It doesn't make us worse than anyone else. And I was trying to find the balance of going, oh my God, how do I. I don't want them to, I don't know, take on some of my money blocks, but also I don't then want to make them lazy. I'm like, I was really in a tizzy around it. Honestly, I was really overthinking it about it.

So I think what, what the answer is sometimes around this is to not think about all the complexities so much and make this a really simple, easy, easy breezy relationship with your money. Not with your kids, not with your partner necessarily. You have to start with your relationship with money. And how do you feel about that relationship?

And I think it is easy to think about it as a person, as a like if, you know, embodiment some for some people, it's easier to think about money as an animal and like, you know, the qualities of an animal or thinking about it as a, as a person, whatever works for you. But if you were to sit down and like, evaluate your friendship, okay, this might even be easier thinking about money as an as an employee or someone that you have to do an evaluation of.

That could be a good one as well. And it's like, okay, how would you describe your dynamic? Who gives who takes? Is it an anxious relationship? Isn't it avoidant relationship. Is it controlling? Is it neglectful? Is it loving? Is it respectful? Is it mutually, you know, agreeable and you might go, how do I personify that? Right. But if you're like bitching about money all the time, talking about money in a gross way, then if that was your friend and you're just like, oh God, I hate it.

Oh so bad, then that relationship wouldn't be a very good relationship, right? And so you want to use this metaphor to kind of illuminate some of your hidden stories, hidden blocks around money, and see where you are creating stories around that of like, you know, money never shows up for me. It's never it's never enough. It comes and it goes.

It's not something I can rely on. It's, It's a dangerous thing. You might not trust yourself with money, you know? And you go, I can't have too much of it. I can't be I can't be trusted with it. I can't receive it. I'm not allowed to have, a relationship, you know, it could be like a forbidden, a forbidden love story where it's like, I want it, but I'm not allowed to have it.

It'll burn me. It's too dangerous. It's not. Not for the likes of me, guv'nor. Sorry. It's not for the likes of me. It's too rich for my blood. There could be so many stories there. About what you're allowed to have. How you're allowed to use money. And there could be some very illuminating things of, like, money's not for me.

And especially if you are a woman who grew up in a certain time where you never saw your mother, your grandmother have control of money, you never saw them have any of their own and their own control their own. You might have seen some really like, you know, crappy dynamics where women did not have a lot of financial power.

And that has created something in you where you feel like, okay, I'll abdicate responsibility to my partner or I will. I have to choose between love or money or I'm I'm not allowed to have it and I'm not allowed to ask for it. And that could be showing up in so many ways in your life instead of seeing money as like, oh wow, okay.

This is something that we can co-create together. You know, money and I have a friendly relationship, and it's okay for me to talk about money. It's okay for me to ask for. It's okay for me to play with it. It's okay for me to invest it. It's not a scary thing. It's not something for other people.

It's something for me. And I think for those of us who have kids, that is a gift that we can give to our kids. It's just for them seeing us talk about money and, earn our own money and see us have power with money. And actually, it was a very interesting dynamic in my family as well. And oh my God, I'm going to give my kids so many money box.

I'm sure I really, I really I'm don't think that I'm going to be perfect with my kids for money because this is the first time I've had money, right. And so I didn't grow up with it. And I don't know the best way to raise them with it. But really early on, George said something that really shocked me and he said, just out of the blue, he goes, daddies can be leaders too, you know?

And I was like, what? He goes, daddies are allowed to be leaders, you know mum. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, George. And I'm like, oh wow. He is seeing all these unspoken power dynamics in our relationship where, you know, I am the primary breadwinner and that shows up in so many ways in our family where, you know, Mark does most of the cooking and he is the primary parent.

And it's very unspoken, but it's very clear in a way, like he's seen where the power dynamics lie, where he'll see us have conversations about business. And like, I have the final say, you know, and sometimes my schedule and my energy and, you know, my, I don't know, like going to the podcast studio or speaking at a conference like that can often dictate the energy of the family because it's like mum has to rest or like mum's just come back from a conference or like, you know, mum's been speaking all day and it's it was so subtle.

But he saw that and he was like, wow, mums have all the power and I feel bad for dad and like, I'm going to advocate for men's rights in this situation. Right. And it just it was so fascinating because I, I was like, oh we've got this like, you know, new cool, dynamic women making money. But in his mind it tipped over into the opposite.

And it was like, oh my God. He's going to see that. Men do have most of the power in the world in financial power. But in our family it is mine. Right? And so I'm like, what is that going to impact for his relationship with money in the in the future when he's in a partnership with someone, how is that going to play out with his dynamics, but also for our girls?

I was like, are they going to be able to be in a relationship with someone who is the breadwinner, who has more financial power, or, you know, like they've never they've seen me cook like twice a year and I'm like, that's going to impact their choice of of spouses as well. And how and how they deal with money.

Oh man, I'm sure that's going to be some really interesting things. So don't be surprised in the future. I'm sure like, oh my god. Yeah, it would be fascinating to see that right to the point where, Mark was going away and the kids were like, who is going to feed us? And I was like, guys, who do you think?

And they're like, Nan. And I'm like, no, you're mother. But it was like, they just don't see me in that role. They've never seen me in that role. And you know, so that even to the point where they like at night, they've always called out for Mark because they see him as like, I guess in that feminine mum role.

Right. And I'm like, what is that going to do with their relationship with money? You'll be really, really fascinating. Anyway, let's go back to you and your, yours. Okay. So you might have already had some from this about going, wow, I'm really mean to money or oh, money. Money's mean to me, right? How can we heal that relationship?

How can we make it at first more of a neutral one. And it could. You have to might have to have some steps to it. If you feel like it's really dysfunctional, we might just have to have baby steps to be less dysfunctional if it's a little bit dysfunctional, will aim for neutrality. If we're if you're already at neutrality, maybe you can explore a bit more of a loving relationship with money, a love affair.

You can choose your spectrum, but of course, neutral is where we're aiming for at the at the minimum. Okay, so let's take a quick break and we'll talk about, some ways to to heal that relationship a little bit.

Welcome back. So yeah, we're talking about relationships and money and your relationship with money, right? So, if you were in a dysfunctional relationship with someone, you know, a lot of times people suggest that you go to counseling and you sit and you talk about it.

And depending on your the school of thought and therapy and all that kind of stuff, one of the big things is forgiveness, right? And and also apologies. You know, if forgiveness can kind of go both ways. And so it can be a really healing experience to have a bit of an inventory of both sides in a way of what you need to do some compassion and forgiveness work for.

And I know, like for me, I had to do a lot of self forgiveness around, debt around times where I made heaps of mistakes with money, you know, bad investments or overcompensation to try and get people to like me or times that I lost, literally lost physical money because I wasn't paying attention. You know, stupid things that I bought.

Like, I really had to kind of make a bit of an inventory of, like, mistakes and shame because all of those things kind of added up to, I'm just not, I'm just not good with money. Like, I can't be trusted with this resource, you know, I'll spend it, I'll lose it, I'll get into debt, I won't pay attention to it.

And I don't deserve to have any more. So doing a little bit of an inventory of like, here are the things that that I have done, you know, and it could be I've missed start to business for the freedom of time. Now you tired of the hustle and grind. There's gotta be a better way. It's time to listen.

To chill and prosper. Welcome to chill and prosper. You're ready to chill and prosper with Denise now feel Thomas. Hey, hey, it's Denise Duffy Thomas here. And big shout out to everyone listening in their cars, because that's how I listen to podcasts. And I know it can be really tricky sometimes when you just want to like, pull over and be like, oh my God, okay, I need to write that down or I've just triggered an idea.

Also, I really try not to swear too much, but I'm really sorry. If you've got kids in the car and occasionally a little F-bomb creep that I've really been trying hard this last year to not swear too much. So a big shout out to all the kitty winks in the car as well. Auntie Denise says hi. Hello, hello.

Today we're talking about becoming more magnetic to money, and I always felt like it was a little bit of a wanky kind of thing to talk about because there are some money mindset people who I don't know, it's just can be a little bit two way, way for me. And it's slow becoming, you know, sexy and magnetic with money.

And it's not my style to do. I'm not saying that this is bad, but, you know, I'm a very practical Virgo kind of person. And sometimes I just think, oh no, I'm not going to ever promise anything. But I do want to talk about this idea of like being lucky, being attractive to opportunities. Right? And I love those affirmations sometimes of like, I am a money magnet.

I am a money magnet. I am really lucky. And I know that when I get into that energy, some things do happen like that. You know, I'm like, oh, I found money in the street or, I don't know, I, I just feel lucky. And it it's a very attractive energy, I think. And it's almost that thing of like, you know, the, the best time to get a job is when you already have a job or you've got job opportunities and ditto when it comes to relationships.

There's something sexy about, I don't know, just feeling confident and feeling yourself. And, On his podcast Smart List, Jason Bateman calls it sexy indifference. I love that sexy indifference. And it's just when you like, I like myself. It's totally fine. And you know, if you want to come and hang out with this energy, you can no big deal.

And that can tip into like, not so nice energy, or it can just be incredibly attractive. And I'm sure we all know what this feels like when we're around someone who's magnetic, who who's energy we like to be around. And let's talk about how we can do that more with money, okay? And to increase our magnetism to money.

Oh so sexy. So of course, if you were to think about money as an actual person and think about what your relationship is like with that person, right? And so how how, how would I want to use the word sexy too much? Because again, if get to listening, but it's like, you know, if you're treating your money with disdain, with disgust, with just like, oh, put up with you, but I hate you.

I don't want, you know, I don't want to be around you, but I have to feel like this kind of underlying feeling of shame and disgust and yucky ness, of course, is not going to be very attractive to money. Right. And I'm not going to say go to the extreme and just be like, oh my God, I love money so much because we we don't want to like worship money as a concept either.

So then what do we do about this? What do we do about this? And when I've been trying to aim for is neutrality with money, right. Money is just a tool. It's a thing. It doesn't make me good or bad. It doesn't make me greedy or, selfless. Money is just money. And the way that I talk about money, with my kids, I really strive for that neutrality with that as well, because I think we can very easily, go to extremes. 

You know, a lot of us grew up hearing things like, you know, money is dirty, money is the root of all evil. But also, I don't want to then go the other way of just going. You know, I love money too much, right? It's like money is a tool. I don't have to be deserving of money. I don't have to try really hard.

Money just is. And I've definitely tried this with my kids too, because once they started to be old enough to be aware of money and almost aware of contrast between, you know, themselves and their friends, they start noticing things like people's houses and stuff and also with the internet. So I can't remember when it was maybe while I was in like grade three or something like that, where they had computer class and they were taught, you know, this is how Google works and you can search for things.

And so we low searched for my name, and it was just like, oh, you're, you know, you're this person that I didn't know you were. I kind of thing because I don't really talk too much about my business. She never really saw me in a business context so much. And like, it's not like I share all my nice branding photos with her.

Like she just saw a mum to her mom, right? And so suddenly she saw all these pictures of me and videos of me where I'm looking, like, really super glamorous and I'm, you know, like that money mindset mentor and talking about, you know, my wealth and stuff like that. And it was quite confronting honestly, for her just to be like, so are you rich?

How much money do you have? How much money do you have in your bank account right now? And I was just like, Jesus, you know? And then, then I was out talking about things with their friends. So, my youngest came home, I think, last year or so, and she was like, you know, I told my friends that you're a millionaire.

And they didn't believe me. And I'm like, because they probably see me walk up to school in like, yoga pants and pajamas and stuff like that, too. And it's challenging their perception about what a wealthy person is. So I was like, oh man, we have to really have these conversations, right? And so I did start this kind of concept of neutrality, of going, you know, yeah, we do have a lot of money, but, you know, that doesn't make us better than anyone else.

It doesn't make us worse than anyone else. And I was trying to find the balance of going, oh my God, how do I. I don't want them to, I don't know, take on some of my money blocks, but also I don't then want to make them lazy. I'm like, I was really in a tizzy around it. Honestly, I was really overthinking it about it. 

So I think what, what the answer is sometimes around this is to not think about all the complexities so much and make this a really simple, easy, easy breezy relationship with your money. Not with your kids, not with your partner necessarily. You have to start with your relationship with money. And how do you feel about that relationship?

And I think it is easy to think about it as a person as like a, you know, embodiment. Some for some people, it's easier to think about money as an animal and like, you know, the qualities of an animal or thinking about it as a, as a person, whatever works for you. But if you were to sit down and like, evaluate your friendship, okay, this might even be easier thinking about money as an as an employee or someone that you have to do an evaluation of.

That could be a good one as well. And it's like, okay, how would you describe your dynamic? Who gives who takes? Is it an anxious relationship? Isn't it avoidant relationship? Is it controlling? Is it neglectful? Is it loving? Is it respectful? Is it mutually, you know, agreeable and it might go how do I personify that? Right. But if you're like bitching about money all the time, talking about money in a gross way, then if that was your friend and you're just like, oh God, I hate it.

Oh, so that then that relationship wouldn't be a very good relationship, right? And so you want to use this metaphor to kind of illuminate some of your hidden stories, hidden blocks around money, and see where you are creating stories around that of like, you know, money never shows up for me. It's never it's never enough. It comes and it goes.

It's not something I can rely on. It's, It's a dangerous thing. You might not trust yourself with money, you know? And you go, I can't have too much of it. I can't be I can't be trusted with it. I can't receive it. I'm not allowed to have, a relationship. You know, it could be like a forbidden, a forbidden love story where it's like, I want it, but I'm not allowed to have it.

It'll burn me. It's too dangerous. It's not. Not for the likes of me, guv'nor. Sorry. It's not for the likes of me. It's too rich for my blood. There could be so many stories there about what you're allowed to have, how you're allowed to use money. And there could be some very illuminating things of, like, money's not for me.

And especially if you are a woman who grew up in a certain time where you never saw your mother, your grandmother have control of money, you never saw them have any of their own and their own control their own. You might have seen some really like, you know, crappy dynamics where women did not have a lot of financial power.

And that has created something in you where you feel like, okay, I'll abdicate responsibility to my partner or I will. I have to choose between love or money or I'm I'm not allowed to have it and I'm not allowed to ask for it. And that could be showing up in so many ways in your life instead of seeing money as like, oh wow, okay.

This is something that we can co-create together. You know, money and I have a friendly relationship, and it's okay for me to talk about money. It's okay for me to ask for. It's okay for me to play with it. It's okay for me to invest it. It's not a scary thing. It's not something for other people.

It's something for me. And I think for those of us who have kids, that is a gift that we can give to our kids. It's just for them seeing us talk about money and, earn our own money and see us have power with money. And actually, it was a very interesting dynamic in my family as well. And oh my God, I'm going to give my kids so many money box.

I'm sure I really, I really don't think that I'm going to be perfect with my kids money, because this is the first time I've had money, right? And so I didn't grow up with it. And I don't know the best way to raise them with it. But really early on, George said something that really shocked me and he said, just out of the blue, he goes, daddies can be leaders too, you know?

And I was like, what? And he goes, daddies are allowed to be leaders, you know mum. And I'm like, yeah, yeah George. And I'm like, oh wow. He is seeing all these unspoken power dynamics in our relationship where, you know, I am the primary breadwinner. And that shows up in so many ways in our family where, you know, Mark does most of the cooking and he is the primary parent.

And it's very unspoken, but it's very clear in a way, like he's seen where the power dynamics lie, where he'll see us have conversations about business. And like, I have the final say, you know, and sometimes my schedule and my energy and, you know, my, I don't know, like going to the podcast studio or speaking in a conference like that can often dictate the energy of the family because it's like mum has to rest or like mum's just come back from a conference or like, you know, mum's been speaking all day and it's it was so subtle.

But he saw that and he was like, wow, mums have all the power and I feel bad for dad and like, I'm going to advocate for men's rights in this situation. Right. And it just it was so fascinating because I, I was like, oh we've got this like, you know, new cool dynamic where women are making money. But in his mind it tipped over into the opposite.

And I was like, oh my God. He's going to say that men do have most of the power in the world and financial power, but in our family it is mine. Right? And so I'm like, what is that going to impact for his relationship with money in the in the future when he's in a partnership with someone, how is that going to play out with his dynamics?

But also for our girls? I was like, are they going to be able to be in a relationship with someone who is the breadwinner, who has more financial power, or, you know, like they've never they see me cook like twice a year and I'm like, that's going to impact their choice of of spouses as well and how and how they do with money.

Oh man, I'm sure that's going to be some really interesting things. So don't be surprised in the future. I'm sure like, oh my god. Yeah, it would be fascinating to see that right to the point where, Mark was going away and the kids were like, who is going to feed us? And I was like, guys, who do you think?

And they're like, Nan. And I'm like, no, your mother. But it was like, they just don't see me in that role. They've never seen me in that role. And you know, so that even to the point where they like at night, they've always called out for Mark because they see him as like, I guess in that feminine mum role.

Right? And I'm like, what is that going to do with their relationship with money will be really, really fascinating. Anyway, let's go back to you and your yours. Okay. So you might have already had some ahas from this about going, wow, I'm really mean to money or oh, money. Money's mean to me, right? How can we heal that relationship

How can we make it at first more of a neutral one. And it could. You have to might have to have some steps to it. If you feel like it's really dysfunctional, we might just have to have baby steps to be less dysfunctional if it's a little bit dysfunctional, will aim for neutrality. If we're if you're already at neutrality, maybe you can explore a bit more of a loving relationship with money, a love affair.

You can choose your spectrum, but of course, neutral is where we're aiming for at the at the minimum.