How to Avoid Money Triggers And Have A Happy Holidays!

I want to share my secrets around getting through the holiday season without freaking out about money. I want to help you avoid getting too triggered. This can be a really stressful time of year. Of course, it’s often exciting too. And for some of us, it's sad. But it’s often challenging.

Luckily, I have some tips to help you sail through the holidays. Firstly, notice how you speak about your business with your family. I’m gonna share a really cool conversational trick to protect your energy and integrity today.

And then, of course, gift giving can bring up ALL of your money blocks. You might feel a sense of I'm not allowed to have what I want. I have to be grateful for what I'm given. This season can have some really great lessons for us in terms of how we run our businesses too! 

It can be a really valuable time of year because you get to identify all the old money blocks that you need to work on. Blocks like no one loves me. I'm not allowed to have what I want. No-one really knows me. I’m here to help you work through it all.


In this episode, you'll learn: 

  • How to deal with imposter syndrome
  • The art of receiving
  • How to make money conversations fun
  • How to give yourself the freedom to choose
  • Why decluttering can be so empowering during the holidays 
  • How to set boundaries around gift giving.




Denise Duffield...:            Hey everyone, and welcome back to Chill & Prosper. I just want to say thank you so much for all of your lovely messages and just people saying that they're listening. It's so cool. Now what's really funny is when I start something, like if I record something like a blog or videos, I very rarely watch them back. I just don't like listening to my voice and once I'm done, I'm done. And then it just goes to my team. But occasionally Chill & Prosper will come on in my car when I've been listening to another podcast. And I can't touch my phone in my car, so I sit there and listen to it and I go, "Oh, it's actually really good." So yeah, thank you for that. And also, please do those rate and subscribe things. I do not really ever read my reviews. So don't stress, you can totally do an honest review. But it really does help other people find it. So that was just my big, thank you, thank you, thank you.

                                                Now today, we are talking about how to get through the holiday season without freaking out about money, without getting your money blocks triggered too much. And this can be a really stressful time of year. No matter what you celebrate, whether it's Hanukkah or Christmas or Thanksgiving or Canadian Thanksgiving, or just this time where a lot of people get together with their family. It can be stressful, but it doesn't have to be because we're lucky B's, we're Chillpreneurs, and we can totally get through it. But I have some tips for you. Because I just want to acknowledge that this time, yes, it can be exciting, but for some people it can be very stressful and sad. So my big hugs to you if this is a sad time of year.

                                                Now, I've got some tips to get through this period though. So the first thing I want to say is, what do you say to family members when they ask what you do or they ask about your business? This can be a very stressful topic because you might have people in your family who don't believe in your business. They don't think that you are qualified. They question your value. And this can be very triggering if you have blocks about your self worth, if you have imposter syndrome. Oh my God, that can absolutely trigger your imposter syndrome. And it can also make you second guess things in your business.

                                                So my biggest tip to answer those things is to have a go-to canned response. So if you're in money bootcamp, go to the bean dipping assignment. And I'll give you guys a quick tip about what this is. So it's basically a way to change the subject if anyone asks you about your business. So it's called bean dipping because I saw this on a parents forum called dealing with in-laws, the DWIL forum. And it's a really good go-to if someone's asking you nosy questions about your baby and so this is where it started from. Where someone would go, "Yeah, great, thanks. Would you like some bean dip? Would you like some hummus?" But basically this is just a way of deflecting your question and going back to it.

                                                So let me give you some examples of some really stressful things that people could be asking you. So your uncle Bob, "Oh, how's your little business going?" Or your grandma says, "Oh, I'm just concerned that maybe you're charging too much." Or, "Are you really qualified to do that?" And that stuff can really make you feel quite down. So it could just be like, "Hey, it's going great. Have you tried the bean dip?" Or, "Hey, it's going great. Where are you going for holidays this year?" So it's totally fine to not answer questions. Because this is what I used to do. People would go, "Oh, how is your little book going?" And I'd go, "Well, actually, a book is just one part of my overall marketing strategy, a marketing funnel. I actually have a money bootcamp and I have these courses." And I could just see their eyes glaze over, or it would lead into even more awkward conversations of like, "Oh, you help people with money. Are qualified to do that?"

                                                So I decided my go to response would just be, "Oh, it's going great. Thanks for asking." And then ask a question back to them. Now you might think, don't you want to talk to your family about business? Yes, you totally can. You totally can. But if getting together with people who have no idea about what you do, who don't necessarily believe in online business or personal development, it's totally okay just to deflect the question and that's it. So I don't know if you ever played that game as a kid about asking questions. So you weren't allowed to answer yes or no. You had to counter it with a question. This could be a really fun thing for you to do. So you could try and just make it a game to evade any questions about your business. Not to everyone. You might have a cousin who wants to do what you do. You might have someone who is really inspired. By all means, talk to them about your business and what you do. Absolutely.

                                                But for those people who are horrible, or maybe you're going back to your hometown and you've got a frenemy and they go, "Oh, I'm so happy for you," and you go, "No you're not bitch," this is where you can play that question game. So it's like, "Oh yeah. It's great. Now tell me about you." And yeah, it's the bean dipping thing. It's so much fun. And honestly, even just saying, "Have you tried the hummus?" "Have you tried the bean dip?" Works. "But where are you going on holidays?" Is great. So that's your first strategy is just evade, evade and ask questions back. All right. Cool.

                                                Now what about gift giving now? Gift giving can absolutely be something that brings up all of your money blocks. All right. So let me give you an example. So when Mark and I started dating when I was 23 and he was 19. So I'm a slight cradle snatcher. But what was really fascinating once I was in a relationship with someone and spending time with his family, seeing how different families deal with giving presents. And I just found this so interesting and it brought up so much stuff around my money blocks. So in my family, there was a lot of guilt around present giving times. And I'm talking Christmas for us, because that's what we celebrate, but also birthdays and things like that. And so for me, my mom has probably got ADHD, I don't think she listens to this podcast, like me. And so she would often forget about what we wanted for presents. And so sometimes my brother would get something that I had asked for, or sometimes it would be more abundant than other times.

                                                And so there was a lot of guilt involved in Christmas and just even asking for what you want. So I had to unlearn that. And so the first Christmas I spent with Mark's family, I remember his mom called and said, "Oh, can you put together your Christmas list?" And I said to Mark, "What's a Christmas list?" And he goes, "Oh, I write down all the things I want for Christmas and my parents buy it for me." And I was like, "What? What do you mean?" And he goes, "Oh, I just tell them what I want." And I come from a family where you can't just ask for what you want, because it would feel greedy or wrong. And so when it comes to this very, very complex experience about gift giving. And maybe it's not a thing in your family. And I know for Jewish people who celebrate Hanukkah, it's become a little bit more about gift giving than it traditionally was.

                                                And so there could be awkwardness around money and giving gifts and different love languages. So if your love language is gifts and everyone always lets you down because they don't get you a very thoughtful gift like you give for someone else, that could bring up all your money blocks around, I'm not allowed to have what I want. I have to be grateful for what I'm given. And if you allow this to be stirred up, but learn from it in terms of how it shows up in your business, it could show up in your business that you suck at delegating because you can't tell people what you want. You have to be very evasive around it, or you test people. If you really knew me, you would just guess Or you're not clear in telling your clients how to work with you because you're not allowed to just say it out loud.

                                                And so it's not about the presents. It's not about if grandma gets you a bad present or not, or someone didn't listen, but think about how you can connect the dots to how it's showing up in your life right now and showing up in your business. Can you get clearer in telling people how to work with you? And so if you can then say, "Hey mom, Hey dad, can you get me? Here's here's a link." But if that's so taboo in your family, great, you can do that in your business. "Hey guys, if you want to work with me, here's a link." You don't need to make people guess.

                                                Or even in your business, if people ask you how they can say thank you for something. Hey, thank you. You did this joint venture thing for me or you got me a sale. How can I thank you? If you've never been allowed to ask for what you want and you've never been able to receive, then that could be really tricky. So that could be an amazing practice back in your business to say, hey, that's so nice of you. You know what I love? I love this and that and the other. So already we've opened some Christmas worms, some holiday worms, some Hanukkah worms. And I know not everyone celebrates this time of year, but I still think it's such an amazing way for us to explore some of our money blocks. So I'll be right back after this break with even more tips about the holiday season. Speak to you in a sec.

Becky Anna-Mari...:        Hey, I'm Becky Anna-Marie, and I'm a mindset and self-empowerment coach based in the UK. And I help women to challenge societal norms and expectations that they can swap burnout and overwhelm for the clarity and confidence to live their best and most empowered lives. I've read Get Rich, Lucky Bitch and Chillpreneur. Get Rich, Luck Bitch really helped me to uncover all of the money stories that were holding me back and learn to love money rather than fear it. This also encouraged me to take responsibility for tracking and managing my own money, rather than burying my head in the sand and trying to ignore it. Chillpreneur has been great for helping me to be more in my business rather than doing more and realizing that I don't have to get everything right first time. That it's okay to make mistakes and that being an entrepreneur doesn't have to be hard. I especially loved Denise's idea of living a more keyless life because it's been a great reminder for me to just keep things simple.

                                                Both of these books have really helped encourage me down a path of women's empowerment and also not being afraid to do things my way and to decide that I'm going to do what's right for me, regardless of what other people are doing, and is actually something that I now help my own clients to do as well. I'd thoroughly recommend both of these books. I love the straight talking let's cut the BS, and also the lightheartedness that Denise brings.

Denise Duffield...:            Okay, welcome back after the break. And thank you again for everybody who has sent in such beautiful testimonials about my books and courses. I just love it so much. If you want to send us one, you can just email us anytime, by the way. You can go to my website denisedt.com, go to the contact page and you can send us testimonials too. And of course, we love those reviews on wherever you listen to your podcast.

                                                So we are talking about holiday money blocks and gift giving money blocks. So even if you don't celebrate this time of year, even if your family don't exchange presents, I want you to think about this in terms of maybe birthdays or other times where you exchange presents and what that can bring up for you, money mindset wise. So I am now talking about if you get stuff that you don't like, because this can really dredge up some stuff for you. So what happens if you have family members who give really, really terrible gifts and how does this relate to your money mindset? So when I ask people in my business and in money bootcamp I'll say, "Well, how much do you want to make this year?" And they just cannot say. It's just something there that's like, oh, I'm not allowed to even ask for what I want. Or, "Why don't you write down your be, do, have list. All the things you want to be in your life, do in your life, have in your life." And they're just paralyzed.

                                                And if you have had to be grateful for what you're given, whether it's at holiday times or not. If you have ever expressed, oh, hang on. I'd really like it in blue rather than green, and you've been shamed for that, then it can be really difficult to practice discernment as an adult. You might not know what you like. You might not know what you want. And that can be really tricky when it comes to making decisions in your business, because you go, "Hang on, I'm allowed to choose?" You go, "Yeah." And you go, "Well, I don't know what that is." And so regardless of if it's holiday time or not, there's a lot of different ways that you can practice that discernment. So for example, when you go into a shop, before you look at the price tag to see if you're allowed to like something, stand there and go, well what would I like? What would I love to wear? What colors would I love to wear?

                                                I don't know how long you've been following me, but even 10 years ago when I started my business, my style was all over the place. I would wear pink and yellow and brown and all of these different things because I actually didn't know what I liked. And so I had to hire a stylist to say, "Oh, well, these are the colors that really suit you." And it happened to be blue, which I love. And so now I go, oh, I'm allowed to choose. And so I go into a store and go, oh, what colors would I like? And I know what fabrics I like that feel good on my body. And then I try things on and go, oh, do I like it or not? But I don't make that decision solely on price. Now that doesn't mean I just willy-nilly go to the checkout, but it's just that I have other factors for what I'm allowed to like.

                                                And this is where, as you get gifts over these holidays, or not, see what that brings up for you and see what old memories it dredges up about where you had to be grateful for things that you didn't like, didn't want, didn't ask for. And maybe you've expressed interest in something one time and that's how your family, that's how they buy for you all the time. So you've gone, "Oh, I really like frogs." And then for the next 15 years, your family gets you frog t-shirts, frog pajamas. And I'm laughing because I do this. My brother has two little dachshunds, little sausage dogs. And for their Christmas this year I had to really refrain from buying him all these sausage dog things. I bought him a cutting board, like a charcuterie board in the shape of a sausage dog.

                                                And so it might even bring up for you, oh, my family don't know me. They don't care about me. And so this is why I keep on saying, it's just such a triggering time of year because it's going to bring up all this stuff. But it's a really valuable time of year if it can help you identify money blocks that you need to work on. Blocks like, no one loves me. It could be that. No one cares about what I think. And again, if you draw a through line straight to your business, you might have a website that someone else chose the colors for, for you. You might have photos where you're not wearing something that you're comfortable with. You might have made decisions in your business that your mentor or coach has decided for you because it all goes back to that feeling of, I'm not allowed to have what I want.

                                                So here's a really cool thing to do around this time of year is to do some decluttering. It's okay to declutter things that you've been given. It's okay to let go of things, even though someone spent money on it for you, if it's not what you like. And this can be such an empowering exercise because it's saying to yourself, it's safe for me to have things that I like. It's safe for choose. It's safe for me to want what I want. So it's totally okay to thank people graciously, but then not keep them. It's okay to re-gift things. I know people don't like re-gifting, but if it's something that's going to be perfect for someone else, you can even say to your friend, "Hey, I just got this as a gift but I don't really think it works for me, but I know it would be perfect for you." So you don't have to pretend.

                                                Kmart here in Australia has a wishing tree and you can put gifts under it for children who don't receive any gifts. So you can take something that you've just received and make it a beautiful gift for somebody else. So just because someone has gifted you something, doesn't mean you need to make a shrine of it in your house and keep it forever. But the flip side of that is that I actually sometimes felt guilty for receiving things that I did like, and I wouldn't use. So this is another interesting moment to look at.

                                                So I used to receive candles and then I would never burn them because I was always waiting for a special occasion. Or lingerie, again, I'll wait for a special occasion. Or things that were too much. I was like, ah, but I've already got a nice robe, so maybe I should give this to someone else. So that's almost like the flip side of it that it's safe for you to receive. And if you've got a receiving problem and you feel guilty about receiving, how is that showing up in your business? Do you feel guilty about sending invoices? Do you feel guilty about charging people? Do you feel guilty for having boundaries? If people are giving you things, do you feel guilty about having those boundaries around it?

                                                So let me share one little boundary that I set in my business around presents. And this is based on knowing that my love language is not gifts. So my love language is acts of service and quality time. And so I love it when Mark brings me a cup of tea. I love sitting and watching shows with my family. I love going to the movies with people. But gifts are just not my love language. And so I had to really explore that and see which part of this is a receiving problem, and which part of it is a new boundary that I wanted to set. And so people used to send me presents in the post all the time. And I love that people show their appreciation in this way.

                                                So if you have received something from a mentor and you feel like you want to send them a present, just check in with their team first. Because every week I would go to my post box and I would find books and things that were [inaudible] and Kombi related things, because I've got a Kombi car. And all these things. And I would feel very overwhelmed by it. Very overwhelmed. And I did realize I did have a receiving problem in some way. One, I had a receiving problem about receiving compliments and it made me feel very uncomfortable. But I realized the receiving thing around gifts was totally valid for me because I was like, oh, I feel bad that this has traveled all around the world and wrapped up a carbon footprint. I feel bad that this is cluttering up my house. I feel bad for the environment around it.

                                                So I wrote a blog post saying, please don't send me gifts and here's why. It's not my love language. And I encouraged people to buy things for themselves because that's another tip. How much are you overgiving at holiday time because you are overcompensating and want people to like you or you really want people to do the same for you? So if you have a receiving problem around holidays, maybe it's okay for you to look at where you want to receive in your life. Do you want to even more pleasure? Do you want to receive more time off and give that to yourself and not wait for other people to do that for you. So yeah, oh gosh, there's just so many lessons.

                                                So let's just recap a little bit here about what we can do at these kind of triggering times. So one, it's totally okay just to acknowledge that it could be a sad time for you, that it could dredge up some memories. Remember, if you are around family members who are not supportive of you and your business, have a canned response. "Oh, it's going great. Thanks for asking." And then do the bean dipping thing, which is just changing the subject. "Great. Thanks. Oh, have you tried the bean dip? Oh, have you seen the blah? Where are you going on holidays?" It's totally okay for you not to have to share everything about your business.

                                                And then we talked about getting clear on what you want. If it's safe in your family to just tell people what you want, tell them what you want. The next tip was you don't have to keep things that you don't like. And the bigger aha could be around receiving. What lessons are coming up about your ability to receive and your permission to have what you want? We are going to have another very quick break and then I have one final tip and final thoughts for you about getting through this holiday season with ease and grace. All right, gorgeous. See you in a sec.

Adele Bates:                       Hello, Adele Bates here, behavior and education specialist, keynote speaker and author of Miss, I don't give a shit: Engaging with challenging behaviour in schools. I'm over in the UK, and as you can probably tell by my job title, I'm not the usual kind of online coachy digitally person that perhaps more stereotypically would be attracted to something like bootcamp. And when I joined four years ago, that was one of my concerns. The clients that I work with are in the public sector. Our budgets are determined by government and politics. School leaders, local authorities, notoriously never have any money. And I wasn't sure whether that would work in the setting that I work in.

                                                But what I discovered is that the mindset work translates across everything. Not only do now earn much more than I did when I started, but also the services that I offer to my community have massively improved and the capacity has increased. Without Denise I would've never have put a price up, I would've never have known how to negotiate a fee, and I would've never have had the confidence to say no when it comes to money and have that be okay. A lovely little additional side is that my partner, my soon to be wife, has also improved her mindset through osmosis, just by me doing bootcamp. Thank you so much, Denise. You're making a great impact on the world.

Denise Duffield...:            Hey and welcome back. So this is a message for anyone who needs to hear this about your voice. When I started in business I thought, oh my God, I need to take elocution lessons because nobody will understand my Australian accent. Or I just had imposter syndrome about my voice. So you might have something about your accent, about your voice, about your vocabulary, and I just want to send you love to say that someone needs to hear your voice exactly as it is now. And so an affirmation for you might be, I have the perfect accent for success. People need to hear my voice. My voice is valid. You might say to yourself, my accent is perfect for making money. I have a money making voice. And I got in trouble a lot for talking in class at school and now I just go, wow. Every word I say makes me money. So you have the perfect voice, the perfect accent for success right now and it's safe for you to speak. So just for anyone who needs to hear that.

                                                All right lovelies, well, go and rate and subscribe if you can. Share this podcast with other people who needed to hear it, and I will see you next time on Chill & Prosper.

Speaker 1:                           Thanks for listening to Chill & Prosper. Tell your friends to chill and prosper. Review and subscribe. We hope you had a very good time.

About the Show

Chill & Prosper is your weekly dose of money mindset, marketing and humour from best-selling author and entrepreneur Denise Duffield-Thomas.

Denise's philosophy is that there is ALWAYS an easier way to make money and that's what she's here to help you do. Each week, you'll get actionable advice to help you make more money, with less work. There's no need to hustle - let Denise show you how to embrace the Chillpreneur way.

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