Ask Me Anything: Finding a great coach and working with my husband
I had so much fun recording a bunch of Ask Me Anything podcast episodes recently - here are some of the juicy questions on today’s episode:
First up, someone wanted to know how I deal with setbacks.
My answer: you will fail in business. Get some great business besties. Have solid people around you.
I got another great question - how do you find a good coach or a mentor?
Well, I’ve worked with so many. Sometimes I joined courses out of FOMO! Sometimes I loved the coach, but the model was wrong for me.
With hindsight, I’d advise sitting down and considering: what do you need right now? Logistics? Or someone to keep you accountable? Marketing support?
Get these ideas down and look for the right group, mastermind or coach to fill those gaps.
Next question: How do you involve your partner in your business or personal development?
My husband, Mark and I are a great team; he works for my business. But it didn't start out like that. When we met, he was at university. I’d just finished. TBH, he wasn’t particularly interested in personal development or entrepreneurship.
But, I kept painting a picture of what freedom and abundance could look like for our family.
I kept saying: wouldn't it be nice to be able to go to the beach on a Tuesday morning? To have more flexibility? To vacation when we want?
I kept holding the vision.
I want to be really clear; we've not had a perfect journey. I had to do some work and set really clear boundaries around my dreams.
In this episode, you'll learn:
- The ONLY self-development tool you need
- How to survive any setback or surprise
- My EXACT book writing process and why I hired a coach
- The secret to working with your partner
- My steps to becoming a great delegator!
CLICK HERE TO READ ↓
Denise: Hey friendly friend. It's Denise here, and welcome to today's episode of Chill and Prosper. We had such a cool response to the episode we did where it was an ask-me anything, ask me random questions. And so I thought I would do another one because it was really fun for me seeing some of those little questions that only have a couple of minutes of answer, it doesn't need a whole episode. And there's usually something in there that someone was , "Oh, that was the exact thing I needed to hear." So this is Ask Me Anything Part Two.
And of course, if there's anything you want to have in a future episode, you can always send me a message. You can always send us an email and we'll put it on the list for a future episode. Okay. So I'm just going to jump straight into questions. These are things that have come from money bootcampers. They don't have names on them because usually they're questions for which we've gotten a lot of different variations. So we've kind of put it in the same thing. I'll just jump straight in.
Okay. So this question is about how do you deal with setbacks when you have a failure or things haven't worked out. And my answer to this is you can't let fear of getting things wrong derail your hopes and dreams, because you will fail in business. And it sucks. And the thing that really, really helps me is to have some great business besties. People who will not judge you, people who will hear and hold your disappointments without trying to make you feel bad about it. So if you don't have business besties, the way I found mine is through online groups or going to conferences, but also my money bootcamp is great for that too. If you're not part of that community, all the details are at Denisedt.com/bootcamp.
But you need people around you who just go, "Oh, babe, like that sucks," or, "That happened to me as well." Because bad things will happen, you will fail a lot. Everyone sends out emails with broken links. Everyone screws up, everyone has bad launches, but you can choose whether that's going to derail you forever, or if it's just going to be part of being human in business. Okay. So be kind to yourself. Tapping is really good, EFT. Even though I screwed up, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. I deeply and completely love and accept myself. And that's the only thing. Honestly, loving and accepting yourself is the only self-development tool that you need. Everything else is gravy on top. If you can love and be in your own corner, then you can survive anything.
Okay. A question, when did you decide to leave your day job and become self-employed? What was the exact aha moment? I totally know this. This is so cool. So my career has been very, very random. So after university, I worked in the nonprofit world for a little bit. I worked for big corporations like PricewaterhouseCoopers. I worked in sustainability consultancy, I did event management. I did a lot of different things.
The economy was kind of changing a little bit in London. And a lot of our sustainability clients were dropping their budgets. So we had to take on more and more kind of corporate work. And I remember being the junior consultant, we went into this big, gray tower and we're sitting in the conference room with our clients and everyone's wearing gray. And I looked out and I was like, "Wow, all the desks are empty." And so none of the employees were allowed to have anything personal on their desks. It was a hot desk kind of thing, but they weren't allowed to put a mug or anything. And I was just looking at all these miserable people. And I was like, "Oh my God."
And the client said, "Oh, we need help on how to make our employees work harder and faster. And my boss was like, "Oh, you mean smarter. Right?" And they were like, "No harder and faster, did you not hear the question?" And that was the moment for me. We got into the elevator, we got to the end. And I looked at my boss and I was just like, "Ohh." I just knew. That was the moment for me. I just went this is not what I'm meant to be doing, is helping these big corporations work their employees to death. That's not my intention. So that was my moment. That was the exact aha moment.
But for some people it's just the desire is the thing. That desire of I want something different. And I have to say, very privileged-wise, I had a partner. At the time he didn't earn a lot either. We were very, very young when we got together. But I did have the privilege of having someone else to say, "Hey, look, I need to make a different decision here." And he was like, "Yeah, that's fine." I didn't have any kids. And so sometimes when people go, "Ah, just chuck in your day job and just go for it." it really totally depends on your personality. You have to feel okay and you have to feel safe.
And that's why in the first part of this Q&A thing, which I'm not sure which episode it is, I did talk about how I went from full-time consulting to a much more quieter job than to a part-time job. And I did it incrementally. But that was the moment for me where I went, "Ugh, I'm done. I'm done."
All right. The next question is on a similar vein actually. It's how do you have faith about when you want to get rid of products or services that are profitable, but draining? How do you do it? How do you walk away from easy money? Ah, God, that's a really tricky one, right? Because sometimes, you just cannot deal with it anymore. You just go, "I'm done." Other times, you phase it out. It depends on your personality. Again, some people are very happy in the risk and they just go, "Yep throw caution to the win," like mavericks and alchemists.
If you don't know your money archetype, do the quiz at denisedt.com/quiz, by the way. Find out what your archetype is because every archetype has a different relationship to risk. So accumulators don't like a lot of risk. So an accumulator answer would be, well, start something you love on the side and wait until that makes more money and then phase out the other one. Because you'd need a little bit more reassurance. Mavericks and alchemist would just be like, "Get rid of it, do something else." And they could do that in a weekend. Just like, "Yep." So you have to know what feels good for you.
But sometimes it's not worth it anymore. And that's personal, isn't it? Where you go, it's just not worth the money anymore. And yeah, I get that. That's totally fine. Sometimes it's a sign from the universe. Sometimes the universe sends you heaps of clients or they send you... You say, "Oh, I really want to quit this thing," and so the universe kills it for you. Yeah. Have you seen that? Where people go, "I really want a new car," and then their car gets totaled. And so I call that an enforced upgrade from the universe. Yeah. So there's no right or wrong around that. And I wish there was a simple answer, but it really isn't. You have to do it according to what feels good to you.
Okay. Question. How do you find a good coach or a mentor? That's such a great question. So I have worked with a lot of different coaches and mentors. I've done a lot of courses. I've joined masterminds, I've done so many things. I'll tell you what I've done wrong. I have joined courses out of FOMO as in fear of missing out. And I have joined because I liked the coach, but actually the model was wrong for me. Okay.
One example, I'll tell you her name, Fabienne Fredrickson. I love Fabienne. She's just one of the most beautiful people in business ever, ever, ever. Fabienne Fredrickson. But I remember when I joined her Mastermind, the Mastermind wasn't a good fit for me because she was in Connecticut, in America, I'm in Australia. And so joining her program I had to go four times a year over to a completely different country. When the calls are very, very early in my morning, it wasn't a good way to work with her. I would love to work with Fabienne in the future, but I'd probably just go and do VIP days with her every now and again. That would be a better fit for me.
And so sometimes you have to sit down and think, what do I need? And where I've made good decisions, I've sat down and gone, "Okay, what do I need right now?" And sometimes it's like, I just need someone to hold space for me. Or I need logistics, I need someone who's really strong on building the foundations of a company. Because every coach is going to be different as well. Right? Some people are really good at the marketing side and just the razzle-dazzle side, and other people will sit down and go, "Okay, well, let's look at the structure of your business and who do you need to hire?" And so sometimes you just need to sit down and really ask yourself, what do I need right now?
I've paid for just one-off things with people. And I just needed one nugget. I needed a nugget, one time, I needed permission, oh, this... I'll tell you her name too. I went to an Ali Brown event and it was $7,000 for a day. And I was pregnant with baby number two. And I was thinking, oh, I have to build a really big team to grow my business. And I remember her saying, "Oh, well, when I had my twins, I really wanted to simplify everything. I fired my big team. I simplified my business and I've got two employees and I'm happier than ever." I think she's changed it again since then. But that was all I needed. That was worth $7,000, for me, to hear that. It was, all I needed was permission.
Sometimes you need to hire someone for literally accountability. Someone who you'll meet with every week and you'll get shit done. So I've hired people to help me write a book, like a bookwriting coach. And I had to send her a chapter every week. That was Petra Martin. I was like, "I need to write a book in six months and I'm not going to be able to do this by myself." And so we would have coaching calls where she'd be like, "Okay, what's this about? Let's do the framework." I had to send her a chapter by Friday. She sent me her edits by Sunday. I had to send her back my changes by Tuesday, and then I needed to send her another chapter by Friday. And so I needed that. That was a reason. I didn't need to coach with her beyond that because it was a result.
Okay. So does that make sense? And I've probably written about this too, and I'll put that in the show notes if I have, but you have to be honest about what you need. Otherwise, you can get excited by the person or by the environment or the event, and it's not necessarily the best return for you.
All right. I'm going to have a quick sip of tea, because my voice is going a bit croaky and I'll see you right after the break. Okay. See you in a sec.
Colleen Wilson: Hi Denise. I'm Colleen Wilson. I'm a midwife on the Gold Coast and I've bought your new book and I'm in your book club and working my way through it. Really loving it. I've got a ton load of work I need to do on my mindset. My business I have is called Nurtured Mums and it's a postnatal midwifery service, teaching pregnant couples what to expect about the fourth trimester, what happens after the baby's born. And also, giving them support through those first six weeks after the baby is born.
I was really fascinated by listening to you talk about the witch wound. That really resonated with me. I've got six of my seven aunts are all registered nurses and midwives, and I've got cousins that are midwives, nieces that are midwives. It's very strong, obviously in our family. And while I don't believe in past lives, I do believe that the DNA of our cells can hold memory particularly around trauma.
So I had to leave my profession of midwifery because we worked in a medical model here in Australia, and I was just so angry, angry all the time, resentful and... Oh, so much fear in the profession. And when you talked about witch wound, it just resonated so much because I'm sure that in my lineage, we were burnt at the stake and drowned for our beliefs and our ability to heal and help women in childbirth. So I just wanted to let you know, thank you so much for talking about that because it's now set me on a path where I need to discover more of that and work on my mindset.
Denise: Okay. Welcome back. The kettle is on. We are talking just random questions. I've loved doing this format. This is the second version of ask me anything. And I'll probably do another one again soon.
Okay. So next question is how do you decide what to focus on and what to delegate? And this is a great question. There's a whole chapter about this in my book, Chill and Prosper. Okay. So go to Denisedt.com/prosper. There're links to the book everywhere and you can get all the bonuses for that. Okay. So there's a whole chapter in here.
The thing is you don't have to do everything. So you can be good at a lot of stuff. You can be very talented and have lots of skills, right? But not everything has to be your job. Okay. So when it comes to, if you already have a business, look at everything that you do and you can either eliminate it, outsource it, delegate it or batch it. That's really the only option. And I think I've done episodes about this before as well so I can't go into every little thing about that, but the mindset is I don't have to do it all myself. I do not have to do this all myself. So if you go to episode number 55, it's my Millionaire Productivity Secrets. And it's the same, whether you're just starting out in business or not, is you don't have to do everything yourself.
But the second part of the question is if you're starting out and you're just smart and talented, how do you know how to make money? I think that's the second part of the question. Okay. So the thing is, know thyself and prosper. It took me a while to figure out what to monetize because I was kind of good at a lot of different things. And so I was like, "Oh, do I..." And so I would just fall into just doing random work for people because I'd be like, "Oh, I can do that. Yeah. I'll give that a bash. Oh yeah. I'll make a website for you. Oh yeah. I'll edit your book. Yeah. Why not?" And there was no commonality of what those things were.
So I had to do a lot of personality tests. I had to learn about myself and see what were things that I actually really liked doing versus things that I was just good at doing. And that takes time. Right? It takes time and skill. So I've got a couple of resources for you, if that's you, where you're just like, "I'm kind of good at stuff, but how do I monetize it?"
One, you could read the book The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks. He talks about the zone of genius versus your zone of excellence. A lot of us are excellent at a lot of things, but that doesn't mean it's our zone of genius. Okay. So it's identifying those things that would feel really good for you to do, is important. And then I would say the other personality test to do is the sacred money archetypes test. I've got a quiz for you and some free resources. If you go to Denisedt.com/quiz, and you'll find out what archetype you are. Because different archetypes can monetize their skills in different ways. And the problem can be, again, when you're just trying to be everything to everyone.
The other thing is how do you create an income from what you do, is, when in doubt sell an hour of your time. This is how I started out my coaching business. I would just write articles about personal development, personal growth, things that I was interested in. And then I'd be like, "Here's my calendar if you want to book in an hour with me." And it was $75 and I was just like, "Let's spend an hour together." And that's a good place to start in a way, because it's just you. If you're really good at solving people's problems, you're allowed to sell an hour of your time to help solve people's problems. And then you tweak it. You tweak it. And then you go, "Ooh, I really like working on these kind of problems," or, "Maybe I'm really good at that." And it is a process of elimination, but also just following that thread of what feels good, what doesn't feel good. It takes a while, but yeah, takes a while.
Okay. People ask me about time management all the time. And I did do an episode of this one. I think this is on my, again, episode 55, my Millionaire Productivity Secrets, where I talk about what I do. I'm really not an organized person. My business is organized. I'm not organized. So I'm not particularly productive. I'm someone who can get a lot done, but I'm also someone who procrastinates a ton. So I might do no work for two days. And then I'll do a crazy amount in an hour. The point is you've got to find what works for you, because there's not even any point asking people how many hours they work because everyone's different. Everyone is different all the time.
I did an episode, I don't know if it's before or after this one, but how many hours do I work? I don't know what number it is because it's not in there yet, but search for that on my podcasting of how many hours I work. Because it's actually irrelevant. You've got to find what works for you and what feels good to you. That's the important thing.
Okay. Back to the questions. Ooh, I can't believe this one hasn't come up yet already. How do you involve your spouse or your partner in your business or in personal development in general?
I mean, Mark and I are a great team. Mark is my husband, he works for my business. But it didn't start out like that. When we met, he was at university. I was just out of university. We've both had lots of different careers. We've lived together since our early twenties. But I wouldn't say he was particularly interested in personal development and he wasn't interested in entrepreneurship. He wanted to have a corporate career and he did a football career for a while in marketing. But I think what I had to do is I had to continually paint the picture of what a life of freedom and abundance could be for our family. I had to be like, "I'm working like this so we can have freedom. I'm in my business, building my passive income, I'm writing my books so that if you don't want to work a job, you don't have to."
I mean, he works in my business, but I just didn't want us to have to go work for someone else. And so I was just always painting that picture of wouldn't it be nice to be able to go to the beach on a Tuesday morning? Wouldn't it be nice to go to the movies and not have to do this? Wouldn't it be nice if we had more flexibility and we could go on holidays when we wanted, not when your boss wanted? So that was my inroad in it. And I had to just be painting the picture.
The other thing is I didn't ask for permission. I'd be like, "I'm starting my business. I'm doing this. I am going for a conference. I am taking up space for my business. No, I'm not going to go get your dry cleaning. I'm doing work too." And constantly having and setting those boundaries. But you know what? Sometimes you don't have to do anything. I find that sometimes partners pick it up via osmosis. And it's, you're responsible for what you want. Yes, it's great to have a supportive spouse, but don't let them be your excuse, basically. Because I never asked for permission from Mark.
I would never say that he super encouraged me at the start to doing business. It was always me painting the picture, being responsible for that energy and holding the vision. I was like, "This is what this is happening. You're on the train or you're off the train, but don't discourage me." Yeah. Because I want to be really clear, we've not had a perfect journey on that. I had to do some education and set the boundaries for him. Yeah.
Okay. Cool. Ooh, this is an interesting one about delegating. When delegating, it feels like I'm cheating because I'm used to working hard. And how do you feel, like you don't have enough to do? Well, get yourself something that has a never-ending... Write a book. Honestly, spend that time to write a book because it will benefit your business. But also, when you have a book to do, you never feel like you can take time off. It fills the available space. Trust me.
And it's okay for you to not have to work hard to deserve income. It's totally okay for you to be supported and not have to do everything in your business. Because you're helping people, you're creating a job for people, it's allowed to be easy. I mean, you can go to the spa every day if you want. It's totally fine. But I would say for you, find something like writing a book if you feel like you need to be productive, but it's also one of those things that could go on forever. People are like, "How do you know when your books finish?" You go, "You could just write it forever." So yeah, that's my suggestion for you. Okay.
Yeah. I have to leave it there. That was a great Q&A session. I will absolutely do a Part Three. Not straight away, but look out for that coming up soon. If you like the format of Q&A, let me know. And yeah, I will have one more final thought after this break. See you in a sec.
Speaker 4: Hi Denise. Thank you very much for writing the book and thank you very much for just acknowledging me on social media when I posted about finishing Get Rich Lucky Bitch. Just that simple thing made me want to buy your last book, which I'm sure is amazing. I haven't received it yet, but I'm so excited. And I really love the community and I love being a part of all the other women who are struggling with money. I come from a long line of money strugglers.
So I'm currently resetting my mindset around money and I've read a lot of books on this topic. And I found in your book, something that I did not find in others, which is that idea of it's not real. If you're not struggling, if you're not hustling, if you're not working 23 hours out of 24, then it's not actual work. And maybe you should not earn so much money as someone who is sweating more. And that really hit home because I realized that is what was holding me back, this idea that I'm not a nurse, I'm not an engineer like my dad, I'm just someone who loves what she does and it's easy for me, because it's my zone of genius.
Denise: Hey, welcome back. And thanks so much for listening. My final thought is, for so many of the questions that we have, sometimes we just want to feel like we are validated. And we want to feel that what our instinct is telling us is correct. And so I love getting advice from other people, but sometimes it's okay to sit and just go, "Well, what do I want to do regardless of anyone else?" And give yourself permission that it's okay to want what you want.
And my daughter, Willow, does this thing, she calls it the Wizard Willow, and you sort of say, she says, "Ask me a question." And I'll go, "What do I do about this?" And she goes, "Whatever you like." And after a while, it makes me teary because I'll start asking things and she goes, "Whatever you like, whatever you like." And I'll just go, "Yes, it's so true, whatever I want, whatever you choose."
So I'm going to get her to come on the podcast at some point and answer some of these questions, because she'll just be like, "Whatever you choose is the right answer." It's like a zen, magic 8-ball. And it's true, sometimes you have to say there's no right or wrong answer, but I trust in my own wisdom. So trust. Trust in your own wisdom.
I will see you next week for another episode of Chill and Prosper, and look out sometime in the future for another Ask Me Anything. Thank you so much for everyone who submitted questions and have a great week. Bye
About the Show
Chill and Prosper is your weekly dose of money mindset, marketing and humour from best-selling author and entrepreneur Denise Duffield-Thomas.
Denise's philosophy is that there is ALWAYS an easier way to make money and that's what she's here to help you do. Each week, you'll get actionable advice to help you make more money, with less work. There's no need to hustle - let Denise show you how to embrace the Chillpreneur way.
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